Brandon's Buzz

“Watch for this international man of music as he continues to spread love and positive vibrations wherever he goes.”

— a South Africa-based spammer writing under the moniker of Artists Paper, whose primary sentiments (and downright elegant turns of phrase, all of which got tangled up in the Buzz’s spam filter several days ago) I found far too lovely to flush down the wormhole forever.

“My sex life is like the Soviet Union — it ended 19 years ago!”

— legendary comedienne Joan Rivers, via a tweet sent this morning.
(I figured my favorite Russian would find this amusing, even if nobody else does.)

“Very interesting site.  Hope it will always be alive!”

— a lovely sentiment from a bot advertising penis enlargement pills which got caught up in the Buzz’s spam filter this morning. (Hey, we’ll take what we can get around here.)

“I always say, ‘If I see somethin’ saggin’, draggin’, and baggin’, I’ll git it nipped, tucked, and sucked.”

— legendary performer (and notorious cosmetic surgery fiend) Dolly Parton, discussing her credo with Larry King.

(All times Texas, er… Central)

6:55:  T minutes five minutes! Let the fun begin!

7:00: The Hollywood Sign, the Kodak Theater, ah… my former home… The ABC Red Carpet begins…

7:01: The first star we meet is Kate Winslet, and there are more questions about the jewelry and the shoes than anything else. How Hollywood! She does look good, though.

7:04: Wow, Matthew Broderick looks a bit… bigger… than I recall. And what’s with the hair?

7:05: Taraji Henson looks so excited! This definitely seems like a party for her. Plus, she was was on Eli Stone, which both Sherry and I miss.

7:09: And we’re back, with all kinds of dresses: red, white, black, and, oy, horrendous! Valentino certainly can create creative dresses.

7:11: Danny Boyle, the director, and the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire are here. The kids especially did a great job and they are the real stars of the movie.

(more…)

“Find more airtime for analyst Cris Collinsworth.”

— USA Today sports media reporter Michael Hiestand, outlining in great detail what the networks need to work on for their NFL pregame shows for the 2009 season. (Collinsworth’s brilliantly snarky retorts are easily the reason to check out NBC’s bloated seventy-five minute pigskin fest “Football Night in America.”)

“Pro is the opposite of con; therefore, progress is the opposite of Congress”

— from the Austin Chronicle’s trivia-based Mr. Smarty Pants Knows column, which last week made a rare lunge toward sarcastic sagacity.

“I want to be in tune. I want to sing pretty. I want to sing sweet. It’s only a relatively recent development that it was appealing to sound bad, you know.”

— the legendary James Taylor, discussing his new album (Covers, due next Tuesday) with Rolling Stone.

“Successful parenting is finding ’80s music on your kid’s iPod.”

— as read on a minivan’s bumper sticker this very afternoon while driving down Interstate 35 in Austin, Texas

Going to the movies may never be the same again.

“Entertainment Tonight” is reporting that Don LaFontaine has died in Los Angeles at age 68.  Even if you don’t immediately recognize his name, it’s a sure bet you know his voice:  the self-professed “King of the Movie Trailer,” it was LaFontaine’s rich, booming baritone that narrated most of the coming attractions which have played before the feature presentation at your local multiplex for the past three decades.  (To say nothing of the thousands of commercials and television promos he has voiced throughout that same span of time.)

In a cruel twist of fate, word has it that the man whose singular voice made him a millionaire many times over was felled by complications from a collapsed lung.  LaFontaine is survived by his wife and their three churren.

Here’s what I know:  as many times as I’ve gone to the movies and paid money for an experience in which the previews were times better than the films they preceded, I find this loss to be devastating beyond expression.  Fare thee well, Don.  You’ll be missed.

“I think there are a lot of people rooting for me, because if I get to heaven, everyone goes.”

— talk show host Jerry Springer, speaking to “Entertainment Tonight” in 1998

“It’s a wondrous world / of ridiculous things /

with nothing so rare / as the love that it brings /

in the silence / of a smile that understands….”

— Patty Griffin, “Christina”

“I swear, this whole state makes my hair frizzy and makes me look like I washed my face with Crisco.”

— the marvelous Sherry Ann, waxing poetic on Louisiana and its numerous charms