Brandon's Buzz

 

5:56 pm: Welcome, everyone! As usual, all times Texas (i.e., Central). Unfortunately my sister Helen will not be able to join us for this live-blogging event, but I trust Sherry Ann (and others?) will provide their usual excellent quips as we begin the Red Carpet festivities.

 

6:01 pm: This is my 21st time watching the Academy Awards, and this is the 83rd annual Academy Awards.

 

6:03 pm: Much talk, no action so far… The “green room” seems decently nice, but not very Hollywood.

 

6:04 pm: Here’s Mila Kunis in a light purple dress! Did you know that she is a daughter of Russian immigrants?! She claims to have “learned to fake it very quickly” when it came to ballet.

 

6:05 pm: This is the young girl from True Grit… I just learned that there are over 500 members of the press on the red carpet. Impressive!

 

6:07 pm: Jesse Eisenberg! Sherry Ann and I both love him. Did you catch him and the two other Zuckerbergs (including the actual one) on SNL a couple of weeks ago or Jesse’s performance in the Squid and the Whale?

 

6:08 pm: ABC is showing their 3 favorite acceptance (speeches). Cuba Gooding Jr. (for Jerry Maguire) is No. 3.

 

6:12 pm: Here’s Amy Adams! She’s in purple with lots and lots of glitter… I can’t dissociate her from Enchanted, but Sherry Ann reminds us that she was in The Fighter. (Clearly Sherry Ann remembers the more important roles!) Don’t you think The Fighter is just The Wrestler but with boxing?

 

6:14 pm: Jennifer Lawrence is in red, and she looks very pretty!

 

6:16 pm: Russell Brand is here, but where’s Katy Perry?!

 

6:16 pm: Whoa?! This dress qualifies as the first “curtain” dress of the night!

 

6:18 pm: Justin Timberlake and Aaron Sorkin, Sherry Ann’s favorite couple!

 

6:20 pm: There’s a little segment about an elementary school choir; is it appropriate for them to be singing Katy Perry songs?! I bet Glee had something to do with this…

 

6:27 pm: Hmm… interesting light purplish dress from a designer whose name I can neither pronounce nor spell. Purple seems to be the color of the night!

 

6:30 pm: Ah, proud mothers (of nominees)! Everyone loves their mommas, says Sherry Ann.

 

6:30 pm: Mark Ruffalo! He’s so weird and cool at the same time! And a plug for all kinds of families from Mark’s wife!

 

6:32 pm: Geez, purple again! It is the color of the night, no doubt!

 

6:38 pm: Scarlett Johansson! That’s almost purple! She’s wonderful, but did she forget to comb her hair?

 

6:39 pm: Oh, seriously, who cares about the Governors’ Ball?!

 

6:41 pm: Matthew McConaughey (in bronze), followed by Annette Bening in gray.

 

6:43 pm: Anne Hathaway in a gorgeous red gown, designed by Valentino (with Valentino explaining it). Anne looks wonderful!

 

6:45 pm: Mark Wahlberg from the Fighter. Sherry Ann: “Marky Mark, where is the funky bunch?”

 

6:50 pm: Finally the King’s Speech crew is here: Colin Firth (Sherry Ann’s future husband) and Geoffrey Rush. Geoffrey Rush sounds so British!

 

6:52 pm: Reese Witherspoon (of Legally Blonde and Walk the line fame) in some fake hair. I love her!

 

6:55 pm: Another Sherlock Holmes movie? Really? Is that necessary? And yet another purple-ish dress, though rather not so pretty this time…

 

7:00 pm: Oh my Jesus! We finally get some weird dresses!

 

7:01 pm: Jennifer Hudson in red, looking amazing! Sherry Ann: “Take that, Beyonce!”

 

7:02 pm: Natalie Portman in… you got it… purple! Purple earrings even! She looks like she’s going to cry.

 

7:04 pm: James Franco! He seems nervous (or high?).

 

7:04 pm: Justin Timberlake, another of Sherry Ann’s future husbands! Go Social Network!

 

7:05 pm: Sandra Bullock, in red! She seems much older than last year… Remember from last year, it’s SAHN-dra, with the long “ah” sound (not as in San Diego)!

 

7:13 pm: Nicole Kidman… That’s quite a dress! Does Nicole Kidman’s forehead ever move? In the meantime, Keith Urban looks bored and short.

 

7:14 pm: Gwyneth Paltrow in a gold dress! She’s going to sing during the show (so either get excited or get those ear plugs ready)!

 

7:16 pm: Christian Bale, looking like Jesus and seeming high. I don’t think I ever “got” him.

 

7:22 pm: Hugh Jackman. Australians are definitely invading Hollywood.

 

7:23 pm: The ABC No. 2 acceptance speech: Tom Hanks for Philadelphia.

 

7:24 pm: Halle Berry looks like a swan, but not in a good way.

 

7:26 pm: Tom Hanks, looking good! He’ll be presenting the first award.

 

7:28 pm: T minus 2 minutes! Are hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco going to sing?

 

7:30 pm: Here we go, starting off with scenes from the nominated films (and Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King”)!

 

7:32 pm: Anne and James in every movie! I like the play on Inception!

 

7:36 pm: “The dance of the brown duck” and James Franco in white ballet apparel! Funny!

 

7:38 pm: James and Anne look young, pretty, and hip (and, as promised, Anne did change her dress)!

 

7:40 pm: James seems really out of it! Anne looks great and is carrying on very well!

 

7:42 pm: Tom Hanks (aka Woody in Toy Story — thanks Zack for that pointer!) presents for art direction… Alice in Wonderland wins! (Sherry Ann and I agree that that was a creepy movie, but I loved the red vs. white battle at the end.)

 

7:44 pm: Tom Hanks continues with cinematography… Inception wins!

 

7:55 pm: Kirk Douglas, hard to understand but very poignant, is about to present for best supporting actress… Sherry Ann thinks the little girl from True Grit might actually win!

 

7:57 pm: Boy, he’s so long-winded! Melissa Leo from The Fighter wins!

 

7:59 pm: Sherry Ann just corrected me: that dress looks more like a tablecloth rather than a curtain. The speech itself was rather bizzare.

 

8:01 pm: From Kirk Douglas to Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis to present for the best animated short film… The Lost Thing wins! That presentation was bizarre, too.

 

8:05 pm: Best animated feature film… Sherry and I vote for Toy Story 3! And we are right!

8:11 pm: Hey guys, Brandon here, ready to take over. Huge round of applause to the marvelous A and Sherry Ann for holding down the fort so brilliantly here, everybody!

8:12 pm: So other than a sea of purple, what have I missed?

8:13 pm: I say this as the world’s biggest Aaron Sorkin fan, so I’m biased, but if he doesn’t win this award, there’ll be lynchings all across Hollywood!

8:14 pm: Sherry Ann and I in unison: “Go Aaron!!”

8:15 pm: (Adapted screenplay goes to Social Network, in case you’re not paying attention.)

8:17 pm: My baby girl, Kelly, is staring at me and wondering why I’m not playing with her (as is my typical Sunday night tradition). I love you, Kelly!

8:18 pm: Original screenplay goes to The King’s Speech.

8:19 pm: Kelly: “Woof!”

8:19 pm: I’m not doing very well in the office pool so far. (I picked Inception in this category, and the young ‘un from True Grit for Supporting Actress, and Grit for cinematography. If you’re keeping score, that’s 0 for 3.)

8:21 pm: I did get art direction right, though.

8:23 pm: Sherry Ann: “Shit, I forgot to feed my kids!”

8:24 pm: Wow, Anne can belt!

8:25 pm: A: “Ah, the sacrifices Sherry Ann makes for the benefit of helping us live-blog!”

8:26 pm: What in blue hell is Russell Brand doing at the Academy Awards?!

8:26 pm: Don’t you know poor Helen wants to just reach over and slap the piss out of that idiote!

8:27 pm: Foreign film Oscar goes to In a Perfect World from Denmark. Got that one right!

8:30 pm: Why isn’t my marvelous Mo’Nique presenting Best Supporting Actor? Isn’t that the tradition, that the previous years’ winners do the honors the next year?

8:30 pm: Color me deeply offended!

8:31 pm: This Winter’s Bone movie was profoundly disturbing.

8:31 pm: Mark Ruffalo, you were far and away the very best thing about The Kids Are All Right, sir!

8:32 pm: Christian Bale wins Supporting Actor for The Fighter.

8:34 pm: Sherry Ann: “He needs Geoffrey Rush to help him with his stammer!”

8:37 pm: Did I just see Kyle Chandler in that commercial for Super 8?! Long live Coach Taylor!

8:39 pm: For all you trivia buffs out there, this Anne Sweeney chick used to be in charge of ABC Daytime, so if you’re wondering why the network’s soap lineup has gone to hell, it’s because she’s gone on to a bigger fish fry!

8:43 pm: Trent Reznor scares the ever-loving crap out of me, but his score for Social Network was absolutely incredible. #RootingForHim

8:44 pm: Yay, Trent! (Social Network picks up Original Score.)

8:47 pm: Inception picks up Oscar for sound mixing.

8:49 pm: Frustrated that she can’t get me to play with her, Kelly has now taken to gnawing on her blanket.

8:50 pm: Inception again, for sound editing.

8:51 pm: OK, time to make a bowl of cereal, be back in a few!

8:59 pm: OK, I’m back, sorry about that brief break, but I was about to faint if I didn’t get something to eat. (Now I know how Sherry Ann’s kids must be feeling!)

9:00 pm: Alice in Wonderland wins for costuming, and this chick is literally reading off a card!

9:00 pm: Somebody get the hook already for this woman!

9:01 pm: (Wolfman won for makeup while I was gone.)

9:03 pm: Time for the Best Original Song nominees. First up: Randy Newman.

9:04 pm: What happened to the days when Randy got people like Peter Gabriel and Sarah Mac to sing his songs? Can’t we go back to those days?

9:05 pm: Ah, Mandy Moore! Damn, I still love her in the heart!

9:06 pm: Aww.

9:07 pm: Uh, what about the other two songs?

9:12 pm: It’s Sherry Ann’s second favorite Gyllenhaal!

9:17 pm: This freaky kid who just won for Best Live Action Short is giving the best speech of the night!

9:18 pm: OK, this is kinda funny.

9:19 pm: A: “Franco looks bored.”

9:19 pm: Me: “Make that stoned.”

9:20 pm: Best Documentary, presented by Lady Oprah, who is rocking that gorgeous gray dress, honey!

9:21 pm: Asinine that Joan Rivers’ terrific documentary, A Piece of Work was deemed ineligible for this category.

9:22 pm: Inside Job picks up the award.

9:26 pm: I’d also like to give a shout out to Waking Sleeping Beauty, a magnificent documentary about Disney’s late-’80s return to animation dominance. Absolutely great film.

9:27 pm: A is unusually excited to see Billy Crystal.

9:30 pm: This extended Bob Hope/Billy Crystal segment is only reinforcing how godawful Anne Hathaway and James Franco are as Oscar hosts.

9:32 pm: What the hell is wrong with Jude Law’s bowtie?!

9:33 pm: Inception wins for visual effects.

9:34 pm: Wow, Jude Law’s jokes at Robert Downey, Jr.’s expense are not going over on Twitter at all.

9:37 pm: Social Network picks up the Oscar for film editing.

9:41 pm: Jennifer Hudson’s boobs are plotting their great escape from that dress as we speak!

9:42 pm: (Only kidding, that gal’s a knockout nowadays!)

9:44 pm: Oh, good lord, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow.

9:45 pm: Jesus, this somnambulistic snoozefest performance needs a maximum strength dose of Cee-Lo Green and his batshit crazy technicolor chicken suit costume. Like, stat.

9:45 pm: A, regarding Gwyneth: “Well, that was relatively short.”

9:46 pm: Me: “Praise Jesus.”

9:47 pm: Randy Newman picks up the award for Original Song.

9:48 pm: Don’t you know J-Hud was standing there thinking, “I can sing rings around all you fucking people!”?

9:52 pm: Celine Dion has just taken the stage, and A has moved into an orgasmic state.

9:53 pm: The dead people montage always brings me down.

9:56 pm: And Dixie Carter failed to make the montage. I am now officially pissed.

10:03 pm: Tom Hooper pulls off a stunner for Best Director for King’s Speech.

10:05 pm: OK, I don’t like him for beating David Fincher, but that was kinda sweet.

10:08 pm: I just realized that they haven’t shown any clips for the Best Picture nominees. #WTF

10:12 pm: Time for Best Actress!

10:16 pm: Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan. Color me stunned!

10:18 pm: I really she’d stop saying, “Um.”

10:20 pm: Sandra Bullock looks dynamite!

10:24 pm: She actually cracked a joke about James Franco in “General Hospital”! #LOL

10:25 pm: Colin Firth wins Best Actor for The King’s Speech. Another shocker!

10:31 pm: Steven Spielberg steps out to present Best Picture, though we haven’t seen a clip from any of the nominated films!

10:32 pm: Ah, clips!

10:33 pm: And, of course, Colin Firth is talking over all of them. Is this an omen pointing toward the inevitable winner?

10:36 pm: The King’s Speech wins Best Picture. Knock me down!

10:37 pm: Oh, this is just retarded!

10:42 pm: Well, thanks for hanging out with us tonight, guys! So much fun as always, let’s do it again next year! Many thanks once again to A and Sherry Ann for their amazing assistance! #PeaceOut

names dropped with reckless abandon: "Friday Night Lights", "General Hospital", "Glee", "The Social Network", A, Aaron Sorkin, Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway, Anne Sweeney, Annette Bening, Beyonce, Billy Crystal, Bob Hope, Cee-Lo Green, Celine Dion, Christian Bale, Colin Firth, Cuba Gooding Jr., David Fincher, Dixie Carter, Geoffrey Rush, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hailee Steinfeld, Halle Berry, Helen Mirren, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Lawrence, Jesse Eisenberg, Joan Rivers, Jude Law, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Keith Urban, Kirk Douglas, Kyle Chandler, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mandy Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Mark Zuckerberg, Matthew McConaughey, Melissa Leo, Mila Kunis, Mo'Nique, Natalie Portman, Nicole Kidman, Oprah Winfrey, Randy Newman, Reese Witherspoon, Robert Downey Jr., Russell Brand, Sandra Bullock, Scarlett Johansson, Sherry Ann, Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Tom Hooper, Trent Reznor