Brandon's Buzz

 

(All times Texas, er… Central)

6:50: Welcome, everyone! 10 minutes to go before the ABC Red Carpet! Helping me with the first hour or so of tonight’s festivities are the lovely and witty Helen and Sherry Ann.

6:55: We are on the last few minutes of the Barbara Walters special. Sherry Ann wonders, “Why can’t Ryan Seacrest do this show?” Frankly, I don’t know who would be more annoying, but this is Barbara’s last Oscars special.

6:58: A toast to Barbara from Sandra Bullock. (We just learned that it’s pronounced, SAHN-dra, with the long AH’s, not as in San Diego!)

7:00: Here we go! Let the fun begin!

7:01: Did you know the Academy Awards began in 1929?

7:02: Yikes! It’s been raining in Southern California!

7:02: All five of the supporting actress nominees are here! Sherry Ann votes for Maggie Gyllenhaal!

7:02: Penelope Cruz still doesn’t speak English, but Helen loves her accent.

7:04: Whoa! George Clooney saluting the fans!

7:04: And here’s Jake Gyllenhaal! He’s as cute as ever! He’s Sherry Ann’s second favorite Gyllenhaal.

7:04: Now we get George Clooney! Brandon and I both enjoyed Up In the Air.

7:06: Sandra Bullock tells us she wants a burger and fries, maybe double-fried. Hmm… I can’t reconcile that thought with the fancy dress and that much make-up.

7:08: Zac Effron: what’s up with your hair?

 

7:08: Matt Damon! Apparently learning the South African accent was harder than learning to play rugby. Interesting. Sherry Ann and Helen want more of Matt…

7:10: Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer, from The Last Station. Sherry Ann: “They make a cute couple.” Helen wants to be Helen Mirren when she grows up. Brandon dislikes Helen Mirren, or, at least The Queen. Go figure.

7:11: Morgan Freeman has two ladies with him!

7:13: Now we are going through the ten nominees for Best Picture! I think I’ve seen at most two of those!

7:15: Whoa! J-Lo, what’s with the huge side-bottom portion? That definitely has the “wow factor.” Plus, it looks like she combed her hair with a rake.

7:16: Sarah Jessica Parker — another odd dress. SJP too has terrible hair. Are they all suffering from the effects of weather? Not a word from Matthew Broderick though.

7:17: Well, at least Cameron Diaz looks great! Go Oscar de la Renta!

7:20: Here come the accountants from PWHC.

7:21: Tina Fey and Steve Carell — I think we all love him!

7:22: Oh my, Miley Cyrus! She looks ancient in that dress, and the hair needs some help. (Must be the weather again!) I still don’t understand why she gets all this attention!

7:23: More designer names bandied around: Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent. Kate Winslet looks great.

7:25: Here is the star of Precious. Now, she looks young! Brandon can’t wait to see the movie.

7:25: The Twilight boy! He’s hot (to Sherry Ann, at least).

7:26: Meryl Streep, nominated 16 times! She looks classy, as always. Plus, she’s a genius. Really.

7:30: The nominees for best actor and best actress. I wonder if Meryl Streep gets tired of going up…

7:31: Neil Patrick Harris (aka Doogie Howser, MD) is about to sing? Yes! Helen loves his sparkling jacket, especially with the blue and silver background.

7:31: NPH and Sherry Ann share a birthday! She wonders why they just didn’t let him host the show!

7:35: Did the two hosts just descend from the ceiling or what? I love Steve Martin!

7:37: These guys are funny (though I don’t know how Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren feel about them)! They even included a math-Hollywood joke!

7:40: Brandon loves the Precious people, but he hasn’t even seen the movie yet!

7:41: These guys are funny, though I don’t now that any of the nominees are exactly enjoying all these jokes at their expense!

7:43: Sandra Bullock looks so serious!

7:45: Are we on to the first presenter, finally?

7:46: That’s a nice color dress. Best supporting actor to be announced shortly. All such dramas! Sherry Ann is rooting for Matt (and, according to Helen, his fake nose in Invictus).

7:48: And the winner is Chrstoph Waltz. Helen’s guy wins. Sorry, Sherry Ann.

7:50: Ryan Reynolds introduces The Blind Side. I loved him in The Proposal. Also, he’s Sherry Ann future husband (or one of them).

7:55: Brandon just came in and directed me to (yet again) inform y’all that he is dying to see Precious.

7:57: Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell are talking about animated features… I haven’t seen any of them, except for “Up.” And “Up” wins! How sweet.

7:58: Off to Brandon now. Thanks for “listening” to me for the last hour or so! Now, the professional steps in.

8:02: Hey guys, Brandon here.

8:03: While I lament the fact that we don’t get to see the Best Original Song nominees actually performed this year, let’s get a round of applause for A and Sherry Ann and Helen for pinch-hitting for me so brilliantly!

8:04: Incidentally, I told A to type how much I love Mo’Nique, not how much I’m dying to see Precious. (Although both statements are true.)

8:04: Ryan Bingham wins Best Original Song for his Crazy Heart tune. True story: my cousin Judge is a good friend of his.

8:06: Seriously, WTF with not getting to see the original songs performed on the show?!

8:09: OK, the commercial has given me a chance to get up to speed on what I’ve missed. Which, according to Sherry Ann, is “a lot of frizzy hair.”

8:11: Screenplay awards already?! We’re not even an hour in, guys! Pace yourselves!

8:13: I’m digging Robert Downey’s shades, gotta say.

8:15: Original Screenplay goes to The Hurt Locker.

8:16: That’s my first miss in A’s office Oscar pool, incidentally.

8:16: (I was voting for Inglourious Basterds.)

8:17: What rock did they dig Molly Frickin’ Ringwald out from under?!

8:18: A is in hog heaven because Ferris Bueller is his favorite movie, despite my best efforts to change that fact.

8:19: The requisite Spandau Ballet-scored montage!

8:21: OK, I’m getting depressed by this now.

8:22: Holy God, some of these people are scary looking today!

8:23: Judd Nelson, baby, you haven’t aged well at all.

8:24: A true story: I wasn’t that crazy about Up. But the first ten minutes or so of that film are some of the finest filmmaking I have ever witnessed. I mean, like, ever.

8:25: That dialogue-less montage of “married life” was just gloriously heart-wrenching.

8:27: Who are these people with the two ugliest dresses I have ever seen in my whole life?

8:30: For this nonsense, they cut out the Original Song performances? Are they kidding me with this?

8:32: Pardon me while I use this time to go up and fix all of A’s bad usage of italics during the first hour of this live blog.

8:35: Still with the awards nobody cares about? The action is dragging here, people!

8:37: I’m now tied with someone named Ashley in the Oscar pool.

8:38: Best Makeup now. Sherry Ann is not at all impressed with Ben Stiller’s presentation.

8:39: Incidentally, neither am I.

8:40: Nor is A.

8:42: Star Trek wins for Makeup. Why was Avatar not up for this award?

8:44: Finally, we get to see Mo’Nique in a minute!

8:46: For all you uninitiated, Mo’Nique was the star of a freakin’ hilarious sitcom in the early part of the aughts called “The Parkers,” which ran for five years on UPN and which was a spinoff of “Moesha.”

8:47: I have loved her forever, and couldn’t be more thrilled that she’s just moments away from becoming an Oscar winner.

8:49: Adapted Screenplay goes to Precious. Wow, that’s a little bit shocking!

8:50: I think we were all rooting for Up in the Air, which was a really good movie.

8:52: A just asked what will happen if Mo’Nique doesn’t win the Oscar. The whole damned world will implode, that’s what!

8:54: Lauren Bacall doesn’t even get to speak on the telecast? That’s outrageous!

8:56: You know, if Mo’Nique wasn’t also in this category, I’d be rooting for Vera Farmiga in a hot second. What a dynamite actress she is!

8:57: If Sherry Ann were a lesbian, she’d be all over Maggie Gyllenhaal. I’m not making that up, either!

8:59: Mo gets a standing o!

9:00: I just can’t tell you how much I love her!

9:06: Art Direction now. Also known as, the Time to Go Get Another Slice of Pizza Award.

9:08: Sarah, honey, you forgot to comb your hair before you left the house!

9:11: Costume Design goes to The Young Victoria.

9:13: Ashley and I are still tied in the Oscar pool.

9:19: And now a tribute to horror movies, emceed by Taylor Lautner and that sullen heifer from Twilight? Honestly?!

9:20: A is equally disenchanted with this ridiculousness.

9:22: Sherry Ann: “Well this is totally pointless!”

9:22: That’s a quorum of opinion!

9:26: The Hurt Locker wins sound editing.

9:27: Sherry Ann, re: The Hurt Locker‘s sound dude: “He looks like a bat-shit Tony Geary!”

9:28: Tony Geary, for those who don’t know, is an actor on “General Hospital” who has had legendarily bad hair for about three decades now.

9:35: Sandra’s lookin’ pretty good tonight!

9:38: Well, good heavens! How did they rope James Taylor into this?!

9:39: A is now so bored, he’s gone to fold laundry. James, meanwhile, is actually doing a pretty good job with this.

9:40: OK, that was kinda sweet, in a tacky kind of way.

9:41: If that makes any sense!

9:44: The estimable Roger Ebert, via Twitter: “I don’t remember when i’ve seen a less exciting Oscarcast.”

9:44: Right there with ya, Rodge.

9:46: What the fuck is up with J-Lo’s dress? It’s like they sewed it together, realized they had a mile of extra fabric, and decided to just throw it on her anyway and hope no one would notice!

9:47: Ryan Bingham and Randy Newman should sue the Academy for deciding to do ten minutes of silly interpretive dance instead of letting real singers SING.

9:48: This is BEYOND asinine!

9:48: Sherry Ann: “All right!! I have been waiting all night for the interpretive dance of The Hurt Locker!!”

9:49: A: “Maybe this is better if one is drunk!”

9:50: Incidentally, a double shot of Bailey’s and milk is sounding MIGHTY good about now.

9:50: I can NOT believe I’m watching this on an Oscarcast.

9:51: A: “I’d rather be watching commercials!”

9:52: Praise Jesus that’s over. George Clooney looks as flabbergasted as I am!

9:53: Up wins for Original Score.

9:54: That was actually a very sweet speech.

9:55: Well, duh!

9:59: I’ll tell you, I’ve never been a huge Clooney fan, but he was incredible in Up in the Air. Inside of about two minutes, you completely miss the fact that he’s one of the biggest movie stars on the planet and just get lost in the character’s story. Easily the finest work he has ever done.

10:05: Sherry Ann is now verklempt that Fisher Stevens has an Oscar.

10:06: OK, go away, Tyler.

10:07: LMAO. A true story: I LOVE my Snuggie(s).

10:07: The Hurt Locker wins for Film Editing.

10:16: Foreign Language Film goes to El Secreto de Sus Ojos.

10:18: Boy, James Cameron’s wife looks like hell tonight!

10:19: Kathy Bates should totally start doing more voiceover work. Love her!

10:23: I still have four episodes of “V” on the DVR from last November.

10:24: Guess that means it’s Best Actor time now?

10:25: Wow, Michelle Pfeiffer still looks incredible.

10:27: Vera, Vera, Vera. Love ya, gal, but that dress is hideous.

10:29: The look on Morgan Freeman’s face says it all: Get this crap over with, already!

10:33: Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor.

10:35: Sherry Ann and I are both wondering if Jeff is drunk.

10:37: Are we gonna have to sit through that whole interminable spiel for the five Best Actress nominees as well?

10:41: Lord, here we go again.

10:42: I swear to God, The Queen was the worst movie I’ve ever seen! Literally, it was two full hours of Helen Mirren speaking curtly to people on the phone. I’m not making that up, either!

10:44: Good lord, Oprah’s in the house!

10:46: Meryl looks dynamite!

10:47: Did anybody follow any of what he just said?

10:49: Sandra Bullock wins Best Actress.

10:51: I have always found her pretty irritating, but that was a damn fine speech.

10:52: Quelle dramatic irony, having Barbra Streisand present Best Director. Those sly Academy dogs!

10:55: Kathryn Bigelow wins Best Director.

10:56: Haven’t seen The Hurt Locker yet, but she directed one of my favorite movies ever, a commercial flop from 1995 called Strange Days, which you should look up immediately.

10:58: Tom Hanks dispenses with formality and just gives the Best Picture Oscar to The Hurt Locker.

11:00: And yours truly wins the Oscar pool by the razor-thin margin of one correct answer. 🙂

11:03: Well that’s it for another year, guys! Thanks so much for hanging out tonight! Let’s do it again next year!