Brandon's Buzz

 

(All times Texas, er… Central)

6:55:  T minutes five minutes! Let the fun begin!

7:00: The Hollywood Sign, the Kodak Theater, ah… my former home… The ABC Red Carpet begins…

7:01: The first star we meet is Kate Winslet, and there are more questions about the jewelry and the shoes than anything else. How Hollywood! She does look good, though.

7:04: Wow, Matthew Broderick looks a bit… bigger… than I recall. And what’s with the hair?

7:05: Taraji Henson looks so excited! This definitely seems like a party for her. Plus, she was was on Eli Stone, which both Sherry and I miss.

7:09: And we’re back, with all kinds of dresses: red, white, black, and, oy, horrendous! Valentino certainly can create creative dresses.

7:11: Danny Boyle, the director, and the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire are here. The kids especially did a great job and they are the real stars of the movie.

7:12 Mickey Rourke, that’s quite a costume, sir! Sherry Ann tells me that Mickey Rourke won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Actor today… Plus, this is first time we see him sober.

7:14: Viola Davis, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, looks stunning. I really must get out and see Doubt.

7:15: I never thought I’d call Miley Cyrus a controversial figure, but Brandon and Sherry Ann love her, and, I, well, you get the idea. That dress, though, is awful! Can we at least agree on that?

7:16: Anne Hathaway! She has certainly come a long way from The Princess Diaries!

7:20: What do we have against accountants? At least they’re not picking on actuaries. Ah, here come the PriceWaterhouseCoopers representatives. And of course, we have to know who designed their tuxedos!

7:21: Meryl Streep looks so classy! It’s hard to believe that the same actress can be the star of both Doubt and Mamma Mia!

7:23: Penelope Cruz, with quite an accent and a “museum piece” dress joins us.

7:24: Jack Black is hilarious!

7:25: Marisa Tomei was excellent in The Wrestler. She has come a long way since My Cousin Vinny back in the day! That dress, though… hmm. It looks like a wedding cake, says Sherry Ann!

7:27: We now have some sort of interlude about stage design. Seriously, seeing and hearing the stars would be so much more fun! The main attraction is only 2 minutes away!

7:30: The 81st Annual Academy Awards are now officially beginning. Brandon and I have been to the Kodak Theater, and it certainly looks much nicer tonight! And all those crystals!

7:31: Is Hugh Jackman really the sexiest man alive? And is he going to sing?!

7:32: Ok, I like that Australia/New Zealand joke.

7:34: He is singing! This is cute… or awful?!

7:36: Definitely awful. This is terrible! Make it stop!

7:39: They liked it! What are they deaf and blind?

7:40: And that crystal, it looks like Christmas tinsel! (Thanks, Brandon!)

7:41: “Frank Langella is the real Nixon”? I thought Nixon was the real Nixon!

7:42: What’s with showing the screen and the stage on TV? Can’t we just have the screen? Technical problems already…

7:43: What is Whoopi wearing? Did she kill a few leopards on the way to the ceremony and put them on her body?

7:44: What’s with the new way of announcing the contenders and the winners? We don’t get to see clips of the performances?

7:47: Tilda Swinton yanked down the drapes from her window and bobby-pinned them around her body strategically to make it look as though she doesn’t have an ounce of cleavage! However, who would name their daughter after a ~?! It’s not even a punctuation mark! I suppose it could be short for Matilda..

7:47: Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress! We need a translator there at the end!

7:52: At this rate, this show will be 4 hours long!

7:53: Steve Martin and Tina Fey, we love them! They’re both funny. Hooray for writers… and for trees… and… for everything else, why not!

7:55: We are getting dramatic readings of the Best Original Screenplay nominees. How odd.

7:56: Milk wins Best Original Screenplay. He also won the Independent Spirit Award, informs me Sherry Ann.

7:58: What a positive, uplifting message for GLBT youth from Dustin Lance Black!

8:00: More readings, now for Best Adapted Screenplay, though a bit faster and less dramatic.

8:02: Slumdog Millionaire wins for Best Adapted Screenplay. 1 for Slumdog Millionaire so far.

8:03: Jack Black is back! Here comes Best Animated Feature Film.

8:06: Wall-E wins for Best Animated Feature Film. Well, perhaps it was the best one of the three. No-one in my posse, except for the resident biologist, liked it! In fact, Brandon fell asleep less-than-half-way through it!

8:09: La Maison en Petits Cubes wins for Best Short Animated Film.

8:11: All right, the guru is here! I am passing the keyboard to Brandon. Thank you all for reading and to Sherry Ann and Helen for their delightful inputs! Now the real fun begins!

8:12: Hey kids, Brandon here.  May I be the first to lead a round of applause for A, who has done an amazing job taking over for me for the first seventy minutes of this exercise?

8:14: So, so far, I’m getting my ass kicked in the Oscar pool, because that infernal heifer Penelope Cruz won, as did that ridiculous screenplay for Milk.

8:15: Sherry Ann just asked me to remind everyone that she, too, was instrumental in A’s success tonight.  So, everyone’s reminded.  🙂

8:16:  A’s sister Helen just commented that Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress makes her boobs look fake.  I say, at least you can tell she has some.  I’m talkin’ to you, Tilda!

8:18:  Directly from Sherry Ann:  “This show is going to be eight hours long!!!  Just read the damn nominees!”  Umm, second that.

8:19: Ben Button wins art direction.

8:20: The Duchess wins for costume design.  My comeback in the Oscar pool begins now.

8:23: Still with Sarah and the wonderbra?!

8:24: Get off my damn TV with yourself and your boobs, Sarah!

8:24: Ben Button wins makeup.

8:25: Sherry Ann thinks Twilight boy is creepy.  I think he’s kinda cute.

8:26:  It’s the theme song for Brandon’s Buzz Radio!!

8:27: Even in a show that has nothing to do with them whatsoever, that doofus Chris Martin always finds a way to get Coldplay into the mix!  Damn already!

8:28: What is this video package about again?

8:29: Dare I say we’re making good time here?  Although, I seriously question the wisdom of blowing the screenplay categories inside the first hour!  WTF?!

8:31: Poor Natalie’s about to get upstaged.

8:33: All these verbal vignettes about the nominees are really starting to get on my nerves!  Get on with it already!

8:34: Slumdog wins cinematography.  That means I’m only two behind in the Oscar pool.  Damn you, Viola!

8:38: I was thinking Tilda and Whoopi were gonna tie for worst dressed, but here comes a dark horse!  Jessica Biel, what were you thinkin’ about, girlfriend?!

8:40: Another damned commercial?!

8:41: Ugh, not another dopey video package!

8:43: When did James Franco get adorable?!

8:45:  This is seriously hurting my head.

8:46: James Franco is seriously adorable!!

8:47: Sherry Ann:  “James Franco is not adorable!!!  EEWW!!!”

8:48: Am I the only one bothered by how ridiculous it looks to substitute an Oscar statue for a “one” in their 81st graphic?

8:49: Sherry Ann:   “So what they meant to say was, ‘We are giving Heath Ledger an Oscar after this commercial break!!!'”

8:49: Umm, duh!

8:52: Oh dear God, Jackman is singing again!

8:53: Jesus, not her!

8:54:  For this, we don’t get to see clips of the nominated performances?!  Sacrilege!

8:56:  What the hell does any of this have to do with anything?!

8:58:  Well, we were making good time.

9:04:  OK, this whole presentation with the acting categories is killing me.  And no, Josh, you were not brilliant in Milk.  You didn’t do anything in that movie!

9:05:  Why did any of these nominees even show up tonight?!

9:07: I want to see clips from these performances!

9:08: A standing o for Heath.

9:11: OK, Downey, order the car around, you can go home now!

9:12: Sweet Jesus, even the documentaries get their own video package!

9:13:  A and I rented Man on Wire a few weeks ago, and I’m here to tell you:  it was godawful!  Horrendous!

9:14:  Bill Maher presenting documentary?!  This should be fun!

9:16:  A is wondering if that’s the first magic trick ever performed on the Academy Awards telecast.  A, didn’t you see the year there was a streaker?!

9:18: Girlfriend, you’ve got to go away!  Nobody even knows who you are!

9:20: Was I the only one bothered by the fact that Man on Wire was largely built on re-enactments?  Does that not totally defeat the purpose of a documentary?!

9:22:  Another f***ing video package!!

9:25: Will, you’re treading on dangerous ground mocking the indie films!

9:27: Ben Button wins for visual effects.

9:28: Dark Knight wins for sound editing.

9:32:  Slumdog wins sound mixing.

9:33:  Did I just see John Mayer sitting in the audience?!

9:35: Slumdog wins editing.

9:37:  I just found out I’m not gonna win the Oscar pool!

9:41: Time for the Jerry Lewis tribute.

9:42: Fucking Coldplay again!

9:44:  Wow, Jerry’s looking damn good these days!

9:45: But who the hell tied his tie?!

9:46: Blessedly, that was short and sweet!

9:47: Great minds think alike:  this from Sherry Ann — “Short and sweet!!  I love him!”

9:47: Are they actually gonna pull this thing in under three hours?!

9:50: Let me guess:  another video package!

9:52:  So they’ll do this protracted montage of all the nominated music, but they won’t show any clips from any of the nominated actors?!  Honestly with this?!

9:54: Slumdog wins for best score.

9:55: I can’t understand a word of this dude’s speech!

9:56: Honest to God, not a word!

9:56: Oh.  Dear.  God.

9:57: A and Sherry Ann are positively orgasmic over the Indian music performance.

9:58: Peter Gabriel told the Academy to get bent, so they went out and got John Freakin’ Legend to take his place?!  Are they kidding me with this?!

9:59: Sherry Ann, re: Legend — “What is this idiot doing?!?”

10:00:  Oh, you just know Peter Gabriel is pissed plumb off watching this at home!

10:01: A wants Zac Efron to stop clapping.  (He thinks poor Zac has no business commenting on any of the music.)

10:01: “Jai Ho” wins for best original song.  Yeah, Gabriel is steaming.

10:02: There’s this dude again!  I need a damned translator!  “Mumbai” excepted, I didn’t catch a syllable of that!

10:05: Did Jackman really just thank John Legend for desecrating Peter Gabriel’s best song in eons?!

10:06: Sherry Ann:  “Hugh is pissed off that they didn’t let him sing the nominated songs!!”

10:06: Departures wins Best Foreign Language Film.  Shocker!

10:08: At least he was more enjoyable than the mumbling man from Mumbai.

10:10: Oh lord, Queen Latifah is singing over the dead people montage?!

10:11: This is bordering on tacky!

10:14: Every time I see Charlton Heston from this day forward, I’m gonna think of Gordon Thomson calling him a “pompous cocksucker” on Brandon’s Buzz Radio.  Is that bad?

10:15: Even though they are rushing this thing along at breakneck pace, am I crazy or has this Oscar show had more commercial breaks than any in history?!

10:16: Sherry Ann:  “Yes that is bad!!!”

10:18: They’re doing Best Director before the lead acting awards?!

10:19: Sherry Ann, re:  Reese Witherspoon — “she looks like she is going to a Texas high school prom!!”

10:20:  I’m not sure I’ve seen one decent dress this entire evening, come to think of it!  (To be fair, I missed all the pre-show activities, and A just informed me that Meryl Streep has a nice dress.)

10:20: Danny Boyle wins for directing Slumdog Millionaire.

10:21: Well, Danny, I’ll tell ya:  on television, it’s a little frenetic and uneven.

10:22: If they pull this in under three hours, I’m gonna faint!

10:25: I still can’t believe we don’t get to see any clips of the nominated performances!!  Isn’t the idea to entice viewers at home to want to see these movies?!

10:28: Marion Cotillard looks positively ravishing!

10:29: I dig Halle Berry’s funky dress.

10:30: Those emerald earrings look atrocious on Angelina!  Honestly!

10:32: Kate Winslet wins Best Actress.

10:34: OK, seriously, play her off!

10:35: I love her, but that was interminable!

10:38: Mike, Anthony Hopkins is standing right next to you!  He played Nixon too, and better!

10:39: Whoa, Bobby DeNiro is going for the jugular!

10:41: Who the hell is Tony talking about?!

10:43: Sean Penn wins Best Actor.

10:44: Sherry Ann:  ” I can’t believe that Mickey Rourke lost!!!”

10:44: Umm, yeah!

10:46: What a moving speech, though.  Gotta hand it to him.

10:47: Milk was still a mess, though.

10:50: OK, this montage is by far the most compelling of the night!

10:52: Seriously, that was a really cool video package!

10:53: Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture.

10:54: Look at all those Indian people on stage!

10:57: Well, that’s a wrap for this  year, kids.  Thanks again to A and Sherry Ann for holding down the fort in my absence at the beginning of the evening, and to Helen and Mike for pitching in their two cents!

10:58: Incidentally, I lost the Oscar pool to some guy named Nick.  He got 20 right and I got 16.  🙁

11:00: Good night, urrybody!  Let’s do it again next year!